Manchester, NH – BREAKING: Florida Senator Marco Rubio has died from a self-inflicted heroin overdose, according to reports from Cruz campaign headquarters and CNN.
“It is with great sadness that we have to inform you that CNN is tweeting that Marco Rubio was found dead from a drug overdose this morning in his room in the Manchester Motel 6”, Senator Ted Cruz stated in a robo-call to Rubio supporters in this key primary state. “Marco was a worthy adversary and effective senator, but most of all he was my friend. When you go to vote on Tuesday, stand united with us in this time of sorrow and remember the man he was and not the heroin addicted wreck that he had become.”
According to the CNN report, the hotel’s housekeeping staff discovered Rubio lying on a bed surrounded by needles and copies of the Manchester Union Leader, which had recently come out with a poll showing the freshman senator distantly trailing GOP frontrunner Donald Trump. The story alleges that Rubio was last seen having dinner the night before with former candidate Ben Carson who, being a doctor, may have provided Rubio with the drugs.
When asked at a press conference how Rubio could be dead, when he was holding an event in nearby Concord at that hour, Cruz dismissed it as mere speculation and rumor. “How do we know that he’s actually alive? Have any of you seen him today? We have it on good authority from CNN that he has passed away. This is just more of the same media bias that seeks to pit Republicans against each other.”
When shown live video of Rubio at the campaign event, Cruz stated “uhm, well, yes. Maybe he’s still alive, but this still doesn’t explain the heroin overdose.”
The Trump campaign offered its condolences upon hearing the news. “Our thoughts and prayers are with the Rubio campaign at this time,” Trump commented to reporters. “I was just reading about the dangers of drugs in my King John bible this morning. Let’s see…one Peter five colon eight ‘Be sober-minded; be watchful’. It’s so sad. It’s tragic, really.”
When told of their candidate’s rumored death, the Rubio campaign strongly condemned the Cruz campaign. “Marco Rubio is still alive and campaigning,” said a Rubio spokesman. “These rumors that are being pushed by the Cruz campaign are false and despicable. Marco has never used heroin, much less stayed in a Motel 6. Unlike Jeb Bush, we don’t tolerate drug use in our organization.”
In shocking news today, Denver Broncos General Manager and Hall of Fame Quarterback John Elway said he is “fully prepared to suit up” if Peyton Manning should falter in Super Bowl 50. The following is a partial transcript of the press conference:
Elway: Look, we all know what happened two Super Bowls ago against the Seahawks. That was abysmal. Not many people know this, but soon after the second half started in that game I was already in the locker room dressing out. Problem was I hadn’t even finished putting shoulder pads and a jock strap on when I was told the Seahawks just scored again. At that point I just said screw it and drank a Coors. This time, I’m leaving nothing to chance.”
Reporter: Are you concerned at all about being in game shape at age 56 having not played since 1998?
Elway: Excuse me, I’m 55, ok. First get your facts straight. Second, have you seen the way football is played today? Concussion protocols, cushy helmets, penalties for hard hits. I once played a game in 1998 where I was knocked out and literally didn’t know who I was the entire fourth quarter. I just kept handing off to Terrell Davis and, boom, we ended up winning the Super Bowl. In addition, I’m basically numb from the waist down so I’ve got that going for me. I’ve also been limiting my Coors intake to half a case a day in preparation.
Reporter: What about Carolina’s defense? Some say it is the best in the league.
Elway: The only reason Carolina has a good defense is because opposing quarterbacks think too much when they play them. I tried not to think at all when I played QB, so Carolina’s schemes won’t work on me. Playing QB is really simple. When I was playing, I dropped back, did a quick “eeny, meeny, miney mo” and then threw the ball as hard as I could to that guy. And I threw hard, ok? Real hard. So hard the receivers couldn’t catch the ball, but that was their problem. Also, sometimes you just need to go nuts and throw a wild incompletion or chuck the ball in the stands. I used to do this and it kept the defense off guard. If the defense breaks through the line, you just run around in a crazy serpentine pattern and heave the ball before you get hit. It’s not rocket surgery.
Reporter: How does Peyton Manning feel about this? Also what about the backup? Brock Osweiler?
Elway: Brock who? Listen, I’m John freaking Elway, ok? Those guys have one Super Bowl win between them. I lost three Super Bowls before these two started shaving. I, better than anyone (except maybe Jim Kelly) know a crappy Super Bowl performance when I see one. And Peyton’s performance two years ago was total crap. If he plays well, fine. But if he starts fumbling the snap out of bounds for safeties and throwing to the other team, I’m coming in. I’ve actually got it all planned out. I’m going to enter the game and have them blast “Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba. The song is perfect. It was a top hit in 1998 right in the middle of my two Super Bowl wins and it talks about getting knocked down but then getting back up again. These are pretty much the only lyrics in the song and they sum up my career. So it gets the point across.
In a stunning turn of events Wednesday, the Iowa Democratic Party has decided to determine its 2020 winner by roulette wheel. The decision stems from the dramatic ending to a tight 2016 contest between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Locked in a dead heat, Clinton reportedly won six out of six coin flips to secure enough state delegates to win Iowa. The chances of this happening are 1.5%, or three times the amount of support Martin O’Malley received in the state. When asked for comment, O’Malley stated, “I’m all for games of chance deciding the caucuses. As it turns out, if I had agreed to call 6 coin flips in a row instead of running a campaign, I would have tripled my odds of winning.”
Secretary Clinton was also on board with the new decision. The Secretary added, “I’m not saying a higher power was involved in the Iowa decision. But what I am saying is that if a higher power or an omniscient ruler of the universe willed for me to be President, I don’t think he/she/it could have sent a clearer message than me winning six coin flips in a row.” Due to the news buzz Clinton was recently invited to perform the opening coin toss of the Super Bowl this Sunday in a new best of 11 flips format. A new page on the Clinton website went up immediately, starting a contest between Bronco and Panther fans to see who could contribute the most money to her campaign. The contest includes the following line, “I’m not saying that the fans who contribute the most money will win the coin tosses. I’m just saying that I’m six for six and depending on how much you contribute…things might happen.”
Senator Bernie Sanders was not so enthusiastic, “This is simply more evidence that Secretary Clinton owes her success to money and the Wall Street banks. Now, instead of large shady contributions and payoffs from Wall Street, the money itself is voting for her. If there ever were a sign that money is the root of all evil, this is it. I think the caucus process should do away with all money. These six coins should have been handed out to underprivileged millennials instead. Then those six millennials should have decided the winner, after a brief presentation from each candidate as to who could promise them the most free coins in the future.”
When asked how they came up with the idea for a roulette wheel, an Iowa Democratic Party rep responded as follows, “Well, let me just say that we considered a lot of different options. We considered tic-tac-toe, rock paper scissors, deciphering animal entrails, and seeing which candidate’s shadow scares a groundhog. But in the end, I think the roulette wheel provides the fairest alternative for all involved. For instance, if the new roulette rules had been in place for this past caucus, Sanders would have been red and Hillary black. Since there is a 2.6% chance of hitting double zero, we couldn’t have given O’Malley that space, or he would have had a massive unfair advantage relative to his poll numbers. Instead I think if the roulette ball ended up balancing on the ledge between two numbers, or had flown off the wheel, we would have given it to him.”
New York – John Smith was an ardent Trump supporter since the billionaire first threw his hat in the ring. However, that might change after the local ironworker was shot by Trump on 5th avenue this weekend.
Sitting in his hospital bed, John ran through the reasons why he might have to switch his vote. “I just dunno anymore. I mean, one second I’m just walking across 5th avenue during my lunch hour and the next second, Donald comes up to me, says something about ‘it’s going to be huge’, and shoots me in the gut.”
“However, I don’t know who else I can vote for,” he added. “None of the other candidates really excite me the way Trump does. He’s the only guy who is willing to build that wall and stand up for American workers like…oh… Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Could you call the nurse?”
This is not John’s first encounter with a presidential candidate. The week before, he was courted by Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders who clubbed him on the back of the head and stole his wallet, and this past Monday, he was kicked in the shins by former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
“Bernie, I mean, I have to respect the guy. He didn’t keep my money. Instead he gave it to a homeless guy. O’Malley, though… I didn’t even notice what he was doing until somebody was, like ‘Hey man, some little guy is kicking you’.”
In the end, John thinks that he will probably still vote for Trump. “Nobody else is saying the stuff that needs to be said. He’s going to make America great, again, you know. Plus, he said he was going to shoot somebody and followed through on it. That shows integrity, man.”
Update: at press time, John had been moved to a guarded room until next week’s New Hampshire primary after a nurse walked in on Jeb Bush and Karl Rove attempting to smother him with a pillow.
Dubuque, Iowa – Former Virginia Governor, Jim Gilmore, is excited about his prospects for victory. Fresh upon his 14th place showing in the Iowa Caucus, Gilmore believes he has laid the groundwork for a bombshell showing in the remaining primaries.
“I’m not sure if anyone saw the debate last Thursday, but all of the polls say that I won. I quite frankly think it was my finest hour. I’m hoping to capitalize on this momentum and sweep the next first three primary states,” said Gilmore.
The response we got from people during our man on the street interviews were not so optimistic. In response to the question, “Will you support Jim Gilmore in the Republican primary?” the most popular answer was “Who?”, followed by “Oh, right, I saw the movie about him where he drove the golf ball, like, super far.”
But this has not put a damper on the Gilmore staff. When told of this news, Gilmore’s campaign director stated “Please. We’re just getting started. After the momentum from Thursday’s debate and tonight’s Iowa results, Jim gave a riveting stump speech at a local IHOP. People were hanging on every word.”
One of the people present at the IHOP that day was a Mr. Fujimoto, visiting from Japan. He recalled the event, “Man start talking as I try to finish pancake. He say ‘president’ so I think he important. I take picture. Turn out nobody know him. I waste film.”
Gilmore is not concerned as he expects his campaign to skyrocket once he wins Virginia, a state he governed from 1998-2002. To get a feel for Gilmore’s appeal in the state, we stopped to interview likely Republican voter Bob Smith at a local watering hole in Alexandria, VA.
“Well, I think we had that one good year under him in ’99 when the Skins won the NFC East and beat the Lions in the playoffs. But then we lost to the Bucs. That sucked. We had them beat 13-0 and he let the bastards come back and win. They didn’t even have a QB worth a damn. ”
When informed that Gilmore never coached in the NFL, a puzzled Bob asked “Huh? ” When told that Gilmore was the former governor of Virginia he said “seriously?!?” and ordered his third Jack and Coke before adding “Well, shoot. Well, he did a great job with the Washington Mystics, at least”.
Despite the lack of name recognition, Gilmore stands undeterred. “I laid out my 5 point economic plan for growth a day ago. How many supporters of simplifying the tax code do you think are out there? That’s right. A lot! This plan is going to ignite that constituency. Plus, Wonkette just devoted an entire blog post to us. This is serious coverage and it’s going to turn into serious votes.”
When asked his thoughts about Atlantic Magazine running a story entitled “Why Is Jim Gilmore Even Running for President?”, Gilmore was dismissive. “Let them sneer. Have you ever heard of the tortoise and the hare? I’m the tortoise and every other GOP candidate is the hare, ok? And you know what that means? In the end, your GOP nominee is going to be a reptile. And you’re looking at him!”
Breezewood, PA – Like many other motorists, a group of teenagers from Miami, Ohio on their way back from Washington, DC, found themselves stuck at a rest area on this stretch of interstate when a massive snowstorm dumped over two feet of snow across much of the Northeastern US.
Yet, even the storm of the century could not stop these Santeria worshippers from celebrating their weekly Ebo. After being stuck in their buses for several hours due to the two feet of snow on the road, the bored teens got together and came up with a plan.
“We were sitting in the buses for, like, four hours, and everyone’s iPhone was dead” said one teen. “We just wanted to, you know, do something to pass the time. So my friends and me were, like, ‘let’s celebrate Ebo’”
One group was tasked with moving 10 jersey barriers from the road to serve as a makeshift five-star altar under the awning of an Exxon Station, while another group set off to secure some firewood and any live animals that they could catch.
After two hours of setting traps, they were able to secure three groundhogs and two pigeons, in addition to one young lamb from a local farmer and a chicken sandwich from a local 7-11.
“Praise be to Ochosi! We will celebrate Eyebale tonight so that this storm will pass!” the teens shouted, as they prepared the animals for sacrifice.
After humanely killing the animals with a knife from one of their elders’ portable Ebo kits, the teens roasted the animals and passed them around to the other worshippers while carefully collecting the blood for their ancestors and posting photos of the event to Instagram.
“Eleggua tested us today,” one teen posted to Facebook. “Yet, we proved our integrity by catching many offerings. Then, having passed the test, Oko rewarded us by sending the farmer with the lamb. Now we can celebrate! LOL!”
Falls Church, VA – “Hey man, wanna jet?” local Catholic John Irish asked his roommate at a party filled with single Catholic women. “Sure, let’s go home. I’m kinda tired, and we have to get up early tomorrow,” replied his roommate, Paul. “There are a lot of cute girls at the 7 am Mass.”
John, an un-married, should-be father of four, reportedly had a great time at the party. “Man, there were so many cute girls there,” he told Paul as they shared an Uber ride back to their Arlington apartment. “Did you get any numbers?” asked Paul. “No, but I am going to friend a couple of people on Facebook,” replied John. “How long do you think I should wait before doing that?” “Definitely 3 days, man. Don’t want to appear desperate,” Paul replied.
“Oh, wow, dude. One of the girls just sent me a friend request,” John said, looking at his phone.
“Which one?” Paul asked. “The cute teacher from St. Mary’s that you were talking to for like an hour?”
“Yeah…she was cute, but why would she send me a friend request so soon? I mean, we just met. What do you think she means by that?”
“I don’t know,” Paul replied. “Invite her to Theology on Tap…actually, tell her you’re going to ToT. See if she shows up.”
John brightened up. “You know, Mary is friends with her. I’ll ask her to tell her that I might be there.”
The conversation continued at their apartment after John fed their cat, the only female that he has had dinner alone with in the past three years.
“So, who’s going to be at brunch tomorrow?” Paul asked.
“The usual crowd. Steve, Pete, Mike, Alan, Dave and Tom,” replied John.
“Do you think we could get any girls there?” asked Paul, forgetting that he had just been at a party with fifty women who would have gone, if asked.
“Well, I was going to ask the teacher, but I don’t think so now.” John said. “I want to see her a couple of more times before I take it to that level.”
“You know, it is just so hard to meet the right girl in this town,” exclaimed an exasperated John, who has met more beautiful women in the past month than most DC bachelors meet in a year. “I know God has a plan for me, but sometimes it seems like no matter what I do, I stay single.”
“Have you tried praying the novena to Saint Roch?”
“Several times. I even asked my good friend Beth to pray it with me. I never received any signs, though.”
“So whatever happened with that girl that you kept inviting to the movie nights at St. Joseph’s?” asked Paul.
“Well, we had fun, but then she kind of drifted away. I really thought we had clicked at the movie nights, but when I asked her last week to meet up with us for drinks, I never got a response. What about you? Weren’t you talking to that one girl on Catholic Match for a month?”
“Yeah, we had some great conversations. But, after praying about it, I realized that she wasn’t right for me. She’s into Medjugorje, and you know man, the Church hasn’t approved that. Also, did you notice that thing with her left eyebrow in low light situations?”
“Dude, maybe we should move to like New York or something. I have a friend who shares a house with a bunch of other guys, and they are always meeting really cute girls at parties,” his roommate replied. “Maybe we could get four other guys to share a place with us up there.”
“Aren’t you glad you didn’t go to the seminary?” Paul reminded him, as he picked up another slice of pizza. “Yeah, dude. A life of celibacy?? No way!” the 45-year old John replied.
Anaheim, CA – In a press conference today, the CEO of Disney announced that the random number generator that produced the script for the blockbuster The Force Awakens has completed a preliminary screenplay for its sequel.
“We are very pleased with the first draft of the screenplay for Episode VIII, The Force Goes to Work” Disney CEO Bob Iger told the assembled crowd of Star Wars fans and reporters. “Our team of progammers, in conjunction with teams from Novell and Oracle, were able to generate a fantastic story using a database comprising all the previous scripts from episodes I thru VII, coupled with fan-fiction entries from wookiepedia.com and names from phonebooks for the greater Los Angeles basin.”
While expressing that he “didn’t want to give too many spoilers”, Iger did elaborate that the script, which took 20 milliseconds to compile, would give fans the “same experiences and stories that they have come to love about the Star Wars Universe.” In addition to successfully executing the story algorithm, Iger told the audience that the program “executed the ‘token’ subroutine perfectly” and Episode VIII would introduce a new male African-American character ‘Blando Calrissian’ who, in addition to being married to Han Solo and an undocumented refugee from Naboo, would be a previous owner of the Millenium Falcon. “The hardest part of this project was calculating parameters that reflect the current diversity of the present day United States and applying these to the Star Trek…err…Star Wars universe”.
When asked how Blando could be married to Han Solo, who died in Episode VII, Iger asked one of the programmers on the stage with him, Patel Srivistava, to explain. “Uhm, well, we put a call to a recursive Han function in the mainloop and it must have experienced a memory leak from the Darth Plagius thread. However, this is still consistent with the canon constants that were imported from the previous Industrial Light and Magic datastores.”
“If Congress increases the H1-B visa caps, we will be able to devote more resources to the next film to ensure that Han Solo is completely removed from the system”, Iger added.
After the press conference, attendees were given access to a preview to the new film. A visibly excited fan stated that “Episode VIII is going to be awesome! Especially the part where Rey saves Kylo Renn from freezing on Sloth by slicing open Luke and placing Renn in there while she constructs a new Death Star.”